Amari's Log

Most of this is incoherent ramblings to fill the diary up
2022年8月23日

I went to school. Everything was fine. I hope I won't fail the test today. I tried taking a nap today, but i couldn't sleep. My body hurts.

2022年10月5日

I'm afraid

2023年8月15日

1/2 Hello everynyan!!! This is the first actual post I'll be making but I'll keep it brief cuz I h8 writing teehee :3 Anyways I have a manga recommendation for all of the six people on this site !!!!!READ LYCHEE LIGHT CLUB!!!!! LLC (or ライチ☆光クラブ for the weebs in the audience) is this horror manga I really like that was based on a stageplay from 1985. judging by the clips I saw on youtube cuz I have NO idea where to watch the actual thing it is POGGERS and I'm currently trying to learn the dance from the newer one Overall a silly haha story that I will not spoil cuz I'm not mean ;] Though it does get pretty gory in the manga (not sure about the stageplay) so if you're a youngin (I am the superior youngin) or not into that it's okay to skip!!! I'll see you little scrunklies the next time I remember to put something here :D

2023年8月15日 2/2

Holy carp it's raining so hard outside I love using this like I'm live tweeting

2023年8月25日

Fun Fact!! This website was gonna be like an ARG as you could probably sense from the unknown page and the first Log entries but like two weeks ago I actually tried making this my blog because my old website idea was GARBAGE!!! Honestly glad I did because I refuse to use social media outside of small unknown ones so this is like my page teehee

2023年8月28日

OK I LIED YOU KNOW HOW I SAID LLC WAS REALLY GOOD UHH IM CURRENTLY REREADING IT AND ITS HARD TO DO HELP WHY IS THERE BOOBIES IN THE FIRST CHAPTER I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS

2023年9月4日

I don't know what to put here honestly I just wanted to add another Log entry. God I want donuts right now but I'm trying to eat mega healthy to lose weight quickly. UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME SWEETS ARE MY FAVORITE FOOD so it's really hard. Praying I can lose weight frfr

2023年9月18日

Hello Hello once again :D Today I'll brush up on a seasonal event: HALLOWEEN! It's my favorite season ever, so even though it's only the eighteenth I'm already gathering decorations (and maybe assets) to decorate :D I'm into Halloween more casually I think, so I only do small things. Maybe if I'm not lazy enough I'll take time to redecorate the main page for halloween (or at least redirect to a halloween themed copy so I wont have to painstakingly remake the entire front page every holiday. Other than that I'm really tired. I stayed up all night writing a paper I realized I could've just printed, and that realization essentially made my brain explode.

2023年9月29日

Hello hello hello I'm back once again. Sometimes I feel like I'm not really good enough for people. I don't mean to put a damper on the soft mood of my website, but this is MY DIARY and I GET TO PUT WHATEVER I WANT >:3c. But seriously I just want to get my thoughts out. To be honest, I kind of hate how I never feel like I'm good enough at anything or for anyone. Like I'll see my friends and feel bad because I'm never on their level in terms of things like knowledge, art skills and even stupid things like gacha game luck. Is it normal to always feel like a burden? Or to always worry if they actually like you? I'm not sure, but I've worried about this so much it feels normal to me 笑. Honestly not even confident in this website also (like do people even read this?). My eyes hurt so I think I'm going to stop typing. Sorry again.

2023年10月25日

Greetings once again. I've been thinking of revamping my website once again, but I'm not sure how to start heehee. I wanted a more Heisei Lolita feel, like wayy more than it already is. I know that doesn't really make sense so I'll explain. Maybe more pngs of things like sweets and stuffed animals? I'm really tired right know so I don't really know what I'm talking about tbh. I really like the vibe of Heisei Japan, and especially things like shoujo manga and how big stationary and scrapbooking was. That's why my website looks the way it is, because I really like the handrawn/real life png aesthetic. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
Anyways I'll leave it here for now since my eyes kind of hurt.

2023年11月8日

I made cookies recently :D I would show a photo but when I shared the image to my Google Drive it didn't load, so no gracing you with misshapen rabbit cookies. (Update: JUST KIDDING) I think I baked them for too long anyways, since they were really hard when cooled. Maybe I overworked the dough? I'm not entirely sure. I kind of feel like I'm in a weird place right now, I don't know why, I just feel, off. My head just feels like a mixing mess of whatever comes into my thoughts. It'ts not bad or anything, but I feel like something's changing and I don't know what. Maybe my life is getting better but I haven't realized it since I've been in a depressed state for so long? I spent a lot (most) of yesterday watching true crime videos, and that got me thinking about death and the situations in the video. It really freaked me out, but no matter how much I try not to think about it, I have been blessed and cursed with a really good memory. Right now, I'm really scared of change and the future. I'm afraid I'm getting farther away from what I've known for a really long time. I'm in a slump. I feel, isolated.
Approximate recreation of Amari's brain- 08.11.2023

2023年11月29日

Why am I obsessed with this thing where did he come from what is this game where am I what is going on

2023年12月16日

I literally got sick for my birthday today this is so not fair. My birthday's on the 21st, but I usually stay sick for a week and I'm so MAD. It hurts to cough and my nose is burning it's just, eughhh... Anyways what else should I talk about... Oh I guess it's weird I'm turning 16 finally, I honestly never thought I would make it. Sixteen makes me feel like I'm so old, but life goes on. I wonder what I'll get for my birthday. If it was a perfect world I would want to get a laptop, but my mom literally doesn't trust me with electronics because I had an online friend (who was my age)... I don't know she's weird like that, but I guess it's my fault for having one isn't it ;;

2023年12月21日

ITS TODAY !! MY BIRTHDAY HAS ARRIVED!! Like I said on my previous entry I turned sixteen today. Honestly, I don't really feel that different. I wonder what I'll get for my birthday heehee. I originally wanted to make my own birthday cake which was supposed to be a strawberry whipped cream cake, but I ended up having to go to my dad's house (not that I'm mad). After how garbage my last birthday was, I'm not too stoked for my birthday this year even though it's supposed to be this giant milestone usually. It kind of feels like nothing at this point. I'm not excited at all, which sucks because my younger self was looking so forward to this day. Regardless, I get to eat cake and hopefully get a cool present, like the LEGO Orchid set I got from my brother yesterday :3c

2024年1月22日

Wow haha it's been a while lol. I've kind of gotten sick of this website so I havent been updating it much ;; I've been really tired recently, I've been sleeping more actually. All I really want to do is sleep nowadays, I've barely picked up any video games actually. I wonder if I've been feeling more depressed and tired lately since I haven't been able to play any of my games or even draw. I most likely am, but I'm trying to do more things since I'm so sad. I've been reading more manga actually, I think I prefer it over anime since most of the series I like are only in manga form ;; I wish I could have someone to talk to my favorite series about, but most people my age are only action fans, so the only people I can talk to about anime is 20-30 year olds :[

2024年2月2日

Hmmhmm, I feel like I'm confused on some things right now. I don't know what I'm feeling, it's just I don't feel like I'm where I want to be currently. One thing I'm real stuck on is my gender. Like, I feel like I look too feminine or like too many feminine things, but I also dont feel fully "feminine," if that makes sense. I know I say I prefer gender neutral pronouns, but I just don't know what I am. I don't want to be feminine, I don't want to be masculine, but I hate being lumped into "girl" things with my family or people at school or anything and the same for "boy" things. I kind of just want to be my own thing, but I don't know what this thing is since I keep thinking I look too feminine, which makes me think, "oh you look like a female you're female you have to be female you aren't androgynous enough." Sure I like feminine things like dresses and frills and cute things, but I really want to be able to tell myself that liking feminine things =/= being female. I can't stop this thought process, and no matter how hard I try wearing things I like or hiding my body, I always tell myself "people know you know you're not andro you're not cute or look like those short skinny people who look perfect you're ugly you're an ugly girl." It's hard. I hate these thoughts but they come back like every day, even now. Is this normal? I want to label myself something, but I feel like if I do I won't feel fully like that and I'll feel like I'm faking. Maybe I'm just ranting so I'll cut it short here sorry.

2024年2月20日

I came back :D I haven't been on recently because I was traveling heehee :3c I visited California to see some family and it was great! I was surprised how well I connected with some of my cousins, we hit it off thankfully. We went to an arcade called Round 1 after my little cousin's birthday party and it was literally insane since it had rhythm games like Beatmania and Sound Voltex, something I've never had the chance of playing outside of web versions ;; The next day we went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, something I've really wanted to visit, however since it was the weekend there were a lot of people, making it stressful sadly. Other than that, I really enjoyed the trip and walking around the seaside :D

2024年3月10日

Hello hello again, I wanted to make this blog entry to welcome the springtime ^_^ I'm a little sad that winter is over, of course, but I'm really excited for the weather to get warmer which means trips are being planned. It rains here more during the spring, so I'm also excited for that heehee. I'm happy the sun is out more because the early afternoon is my favorite time of day next to the very early morning (3:00-6:00). I wonder if it's weird I like mornings and sunny days even though I rarely like waking up and usually stay up at night, but maybe that's just me worrying over nothing. Cool summer and spring days are really underrated in my opinion, especially when they're windy or slightly stormy. One of my dreams is to visit a really windy flower field or just a grass field and have a picnic in the sun with someone. Maybe it could be a sunflower field? Yellow roses and sunflowers are amazing and I wish I could grow them, but unfortunately it's too hot where I live ;; I don't know what I'm talking about anymore honestly. I recently started watching a show called "Joe Pera Talks With You" I think it really speaks to me since I try to look for the small things in life, like I said above haha. It really helps me calm down, I even relate a bit to Joe with how quiet he is. I really like it because of how soft it is, kind of weird I'm usually an anime person, but this show gets a pass.

2024年3月31日

It seems it's already April... I'm a bit sad it's already this late into the year If I'm being honest... It still feels like it's December lol. I've been thinking of redesigning my room actually :0 It's been the same layout and look for almost seven years at this point, so I think I need to get rid of a lot of my old garbage haha. A new desk and shelving units would help me reorganize a lot now that I think about it, plus I could display all my cute trinkets better than if they were on my corkboard :3c I saw a video recently of a lady making a lolita dress out of a bedsheet, and that got me on a summer project craze haha. I really want to make my own lolita dress this summer, even if it looks really bad ^^; It would be my first attempt at sewing anything though, so I don't mind if I mess up! I wonder what pattern I would choose :0 Maybe I could find a cute floral pattern? I don't own a sewing machine, so spending my summer sewing by hand sounds a bit strenuous, but apparently you can still sew by hand like that, so I'll try to do that as my summer project :o I hope I would get to wear it on the first day of school heehee, maybe people would give me compliments? I hope it'll turn out well if I decide to do it :D

2024年4月11日 This entry can be distressing for some. Take care when reading!

Hello hello.
These days I've been feeling really upset, yet excited? I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like I always have this off and weird feeling in my chest. I want to cry, but I can't no matter how much I feel like this. I hate this feeling, so all I want to do is just lay in bed and hope it'll go away. I try to read manga or watch something, but I always have this thought that even fictional characters have better lives than me (lol). Around me, I feel like everyone is moving on, growing up, starting anew, while I'm stuck in my tiny room looking up at everyone else. Is this normal? Is it normal to feel stuck no matter what I do? Even if I'm reading a manga and the characters are growing and changing, characters that don't know me, characters that don't exist, I just feel...empty. I feel abandoned by people who don't know me, and yet why do I feel like this? I feel like I'm just rambling on at this point, but it's something to help me get my thoughts out. It's such a weird conflict though, because at the same time of fearing abandonment and being forgotten, I want to be forgotten. Like I feel so horrible about myself that all I want to do is get away from everyone and everything to spare them and myself pain. Right now, all I want to do is go to my own dimension, where I can walk forever in silence. I want an escape, but I don't know how to escape. I just want to be at peace with myself, I just want to sleep forever and forget everything I'm feeling right now. I know that's an impossible goal, but just for a day, I want to sleep in peace. Maybe then I'll get my escape; but even then I know I have to wake up.
And I'll wake up as stuck as before.
Sorry for this post in my diary, I've been feeling bad lately, but unfortunately I don't know how to express my feelings. Sorry if this was in any way distressing for you!

2024年5月2日

Good morning everyone! It seems it's already May, which means I'm closer to getting a break for the summer! Oh, right now is also Golden Week, so I've been away from my Japanese friends for a little while, but don't worry! I'm still studying so while they're away I can talk to them more heehee. Like I said in a previous entry, I've been wanting to do some handicrafts over the summer, like sewing or maybe I could try to find a garage kit :0 I think making handicrafts could be helpful to me in my creativity, plus it would help me enjoy the process over the result. I think if I actually do try to make a dress I'll try not to stress about it too much, and even if I mess up the dimensions, I can take the time to fix it and hopefully continue stress free. I've been practicing sewing on some old shirts (rest in piece Vash Stampede T-shirt) so I think by the time summer rolls around I can hopefully sew enough with minimal help from my mom (lol). Aside from this, I've been feeling okay recently, although my tongue has been hurting since I bit it while sleeping ;;. Oh, I also recently started playing Twisted Wonderland again, I'm so happy to play it after I didn't have enough space heehee. I'm also happy since I made it in time for White Rabbit Fest, which means some of my favorites got cute White Rabbit-themed cards. I think it's obvious what my favorite animal is, so I of course was ecstatic for this event XD. I guess that's all I have for now, so byebye!

2024年5月15日
Hello again! I'm surprised it's already the summer haha. I get out of school tomorrow actually, which means I'm closer to doing the things I really want to over break. I was thinking of getting a part-time job soon, actually. I wonder where I should work though... It's a bit sad that it's already the summertime, but I'm happy because this means I'll get more freedom since I'm getting older. I can't believe I'm already turning 17 this year, I still feel like I'm 13 or 14. I'll be going on a lot of trips this summer, namely I'll finally visit the northeast! I really like the seaside, so I'm really excited I'll get to visit Rhode Island this year. I just hope it isn't too crowded heehee.

drink some tea